do not erase

This blog was started long ago, before tumblr, instagram et. al. I started it as a requirement for a course at Uni. Since then it has at best been updated infrequently and  intermittently with short bursts of frantic activity, when the moon was right and I had a flurry of ideas swirling in my head plus the necessary energy to actually do something with it.

But mostly it has been dead, with me on those occasions mentioned, declaring that this time I shall maintain it. And inevitably it would fall back in to disuse. It is still existing if as nothing else than an empty notebook, holding within it the potential for many things. But when it comes to the issue of potential I would quote Dylan Moran:

“Don’t do it! Stay away from your potential. You’ll mess it up, it’s potential, leave it. Anyway, it’s like your bank balance – you always have a lot less than you think.” -Dylan Moran

But what potential I do have, how to try to employ it, if at all, is still uncertain. I am an expert at starting things, projects and cleaning… seeing them through to completion on the other hand, not so much.  I have at times an inkling as to what I want to use it for, something that I suddenly develop a passion for (my previous review posts are an example of this) and keep up, but in the vastness of distractions, thoughts and doubts the passion dies down and I feel that it becomes more of a chore than something that I do out of joy, passion and entertainment.

There are numerous ways of projecting yourself as a persona on the internet, twitter, tumblr, instagram, facebook, youtube and more… and a personal blog. My feeds on those (except youtube) are more frequently updated. I keep them limited, second-hand opinions, short statements and never personal other than to say that I enjoyed some aspect of whatever activity I might have described. Why ? it is a good question, and if I had a complete answer I would give it. Fear, doubt, insecurity… these words are not necessarily what my friends would use to describe me*, but could be used to describe my feelings whenever I start something new whatever it might be. Fear of not having potential, not measuring up to some invisible, arbitrary standard. Then we are back to the quote from Dylan Moran, best to leave it alone, if I do not attempt, do not try.. there is no measuring. The fear, doubt and insecurity diminishes, replaced by self loathing and apathy.

Sometimes I manage to do something, despite this. But it requires a lot of energy, and leaves me exhausted. I suspect that there is a tipping point somewhere, where the elation and joy you get from actually completing something restores that energy and keeps the momentum going. Where that point is, I should imagine, varies substantially from person to person.

So will I do something, can I….. I have not decided, this mostly empty blog has potential…. perhaps it is time chuck the measuring stick, arbitrary or not, out the window.. so to speak.

But I will not promise anything, nor will I say what I will do here… doubt, fear and insecurity are my opponents and they are not accustomed to defeat.

Does this make me sound as energetic as a wet noodle ? Perhaps, am I the only one who has expressed this, or even struggle with it. No, but in writing it down and actually “publishing it” I hope to make it easier to overcome and get over the tipping point, much in the same way people publish pictures of themselves when they want to keep the motivation going to loose weight, I publish this in the hopes that I can

  • find a small project/thing to put here
  • keep it going for a time (weeks or months)
  • keep a journal (either public or private or both) on progress
  • become less concerned with how I might be perceived by others
  • rinse and repeat

* In real life social interactions I am more assertive and energetic, so my friends are not clueless.. they are fantastical peeps and keep me supplied with energy every time I meet, speak or otherwise interact with them 😀